Written on July 4, 2016.
As I meander my way through life, I arrive at some familiar places, like wandering on a path you know and recognizing certain trees and landmarks. I welcome the familiarity and find comfort in knowing where I am, even though a part of me wants to explore a new path. The place that I keep arriving at lately is around Trust; cultivating trust in ourselves which translates directly to trusting Life.
Life feels like a big ole' mystery and the Unknown can be very scary, that's for sure! But underneath everything we don't know, underneath our fears and our confusion, there flows a current. This current is steady and strong, everlasting and absolutely perfect. The current exists whether our human selves do or not; it just Is. But we are afraid to rest in the flow, to allow ourselves to be at peace, at one with the water, carried away with no real destination. And the fear is so real, so debilitating, that it can affect every part of our lives. We hold so much fear because we've forgotten how to trust.
When we don't trust ourselves, we apologize unnecessarily, we spend time with others out of a sense of guilt/obligation rather than because we want to, we tiptoe around our partners because we're afraid that we will mess up somehow; we sabotage our lives by not trusting Life to flow through us and guide us.
Over the past year, I have really been practicing trusting myself and therefore trusting and honoring Life. Before I speak or take any action, I try to listen to my inner guide and see how I really feel. This allows my words and actions to remain pure and unfettered by guilt, shame, or uncertainty. It also allows those that I meet and spend any amount of time with to relax in my presence, to sink into the knowing that I, Marlena, am taking care of myself, no matter what. My partner knows that he doesn't have to worry about me or take care of me because I am in charge of myself. He doesn't have to suspend his words or actions for fear that I may not like them, because if he says or does something that I don't like, I will kindly, neutrally, tell him so, with no judgement or shame or bad feelings. On the other hand, I am not overly concerned with him in any way, because I expect him to take care of himself, to voice his concerns, to inform me when I am behaving in a way that triggers him or that he just doesn't prefer.
I feel that as I've gotten more honest with myself, I have become more of who I really am. I have embraced life and vowed to trust it with all my heart, even through the pain that it can bring. To trust life is to have a deep reverence for it, to be at peace with the mystery and to work with all that is, rather than against it. I have a deep respect for those that I meet that so clearly speak their truth, every single day. I know that when I spend time with them, it's because we both want to be together, we are both present to the moment, and there is nothing that I need to worry about, because while I take care of me, they will take care of themselves. It's a breath of fresh air, honestly, in a world where selfishness seems to equal narcissism and putting our own needs first is as foreign as midnight daylight. When I love myself and trust myself unconditionally, I love and trust each person I meet unconditionally. One cannot exist without the other. So, as I continue to walk my path, I am sure that I will get lost along the way, but once I let go of my fears and trust Life, I will arrive exactly where I am supposed to be.