Written on October 8, 2017
This morning I woke up with a pebble in my shoe, a sticker burr in my pants, and eyelash in my eye, and uncomfortable feeling that I couldn't quite place my finger on. I had thoughts zooming around in my mind like little viruses zooming around in a petri dish, so I put on my lab coat and got to work trying to figure out the source, the place of origin for these foreign thoughts. I was hearing shrill shouts in my mind, saying things like "You're on your phone too much! You didn't sell enough jewelry last week. There's so much that you haven't gotten done." These thoughts started eating away at my morning, making the sunshine seem dimmer, my tea taste bland, and my day feel overwhelming. The thoughts felt like invasive little pests that I desperately wanted gone.
Then, like some antivirus was dropped in the petri dish, the thoughts cleared a path for me to see their source: lack of self-acceptance. This has been coming up a lot for me lately and when I arrive back at this place, I often feel exasperated that I haven't "graduated", that I'm still dealing with this.
But then I realize that those feelings of frustration and impatience with having to continue the work in this area are coming from THE SAME SOURCE: lack of self-acceptance.
So, although the "antivirus" cleared the path and allowed me to see the source of these pesky little thoughts, it didn't annihilate them. No, because that's my work. And although I do believe I'm a Gryffindor, I don't actually have a magic wand, a spell to cast them away. My work is harder, requires more patience, more love, more gentleness and kindness.
My job is to simply Be; it is to be with those thoughts, with those little viruses, by observing them and witnessing their tenacity and dedication to infecting my mind.
It is my job to put them to sleep, to sing them a lullaby, and let them drift away into some other reality, because they are not welcome in mine.
So, today, when they inevitably return, I will observe and witness, caress and coax, and send the thoughts away, because my heart and mind must remain clear, a clean vessel of Love, and most importantly, of Truth: the truth that I am perfectly perfect exactly as I am, even when I "stay on my phone too much, even when I don't sell enough jewelry, and even when I don't get enough done".